If you're looking for The Writer's Voice entry you can find it here.
Title: Fraction of Stone
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 65,000
Pitch: Akara and Rydan are the last of an extinguished tribe and only they have the power to save a crumbling world. Is the world worth saving when the only souls alive murdered their people?
The chains around her wrists jingled, echoing off the stone walls, a cheery sound out of place. If she closed her eyes and moved her arms again it would be as if she were listening to a wind chime, twittering in the breeze. But the cold metal was not a wind chime. It was a tether, a leash, holding her captive in the belly of her city.
She could have called it her room, for it was where she slept, where she ate. The situation would seem more bleak once the drugs wore off, sending her into a depression of why she even bothered to live.
She had no choice, that’s why. They needed her and refused to let her die. They kept her down there in an almost comatose state until it was time for her to work her magic.
Literally.
I don't know if I'd include the rhetorical question in the pitch. I mean...is it worth saving?
ReplyDeleteI don't know...that's the question they must answer :)
DeleteHaha. But I do understand where you're getting at. It's said that you should use rhetorical questions in your pitch. I tried switching it around but then I couldn't get it under the 35 word maximum. Thanks so much for your opinion though!
I really love your descriptions here, especially the second sentence. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Tracey!!
DeleteYour first sentence of you pitch is so succinct! It sums up the challenge in your story perfectly! And reading the first paragraph again, I'm surprised I didn't recognize the beauty the first time around, it has wonderful alliteration and whatever that word (resonance? that figurative language stuff :) ) is, nicely done!
ReplyDeleteAwww, thanks Hope! I'm not all up on that terminology stuff either but what you're saying sounds good to me! :)
DeleteI really like this. Very nice writing, good luck!
ReplyDeleteThanks twentysomething! :)
DeleteBest of luck! I also love the first sentence in your pitch.
ReplyDeleteAwww, thanks Lillie. It's amazing how long one sentence can take to write. I must have spent an hour trying to figure that out :)
DeleteI think your pitch/ premise is compelling. And I agree that the first paragraph is beautifully written.
ReplyDeleteThe "sending her off into a depression..." phrase sounds off to me somehow, not as well put as the tone of the rest.
Nice job!
Thanks lisarthewordnerd. I will look into trying to reword that sentence to see if I can make it sound better.
DeleteGood job! I enjoyed reading this.
ReplyDeleteSo glad to hear it! Thanks for the comment, T. Drecker!
DeleteI love this! Your opening still gives me chills :)
ReplyDeleteThis book is awesome and I want to read it again.
And again.
And maybe one more time ;)
Ooo, chills are good! Very good :)
DeleteGreat job! I really liked this, especially the first paragraph and the description of the chains. I'd definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Thanks Francesca! (I LOVE your name btw)
DeleteGood job, but I agree, I wouldn't put the rhetorical question in the pitch. It would perhaps work better in a query or back cover blurb. Reword it a little and it'll work fine.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the suggestion MBee. I did try but couldn't manage to get the same though across and still stay under the 35 word limit...
DeleteBrenda Lee Drake is SO good about doing contests like these.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!!
She is SUCH a sweetheart for doing this, I agree!
DeleteOh. I'm an idiot.
ReplyDeleteYou TOTALLY pulled me in. Very cool premise.
Haha. Thanks Jolene!
DeleteI've heard from several agents that a rhetorical question in a pitch is a turn off. This simple fix would be to just say "Now she must decide if the world is worth saving when..." or something to that effect. :)
ReplyDeleteThis premise really is fascinating! I'm hooked for sure!
Thanks Alexis!
DeleteThis is really good. I like your pitch and your first 150. It sounds like an interesting story too.
ReplyDeleteThank you lizhellebuyck! Thanks for stopping by!
DeleteLoved your pitch! And your writing is beautiful. The feel you created is so nice and compelling.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Thanks Juliana. Beautiful is very good!
DeleteOooh-hoo-hoo! Fabulous job and so exciting. I love all these great things you find to participate in. Definitely need to get Fraction of Stone on the bookshelves :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Leigh! I agree :) But I am slightly biased :)
DeleteNice job! I know what you mean about trying to stay within the 35 word limit. I've got to cut two more words! Two more words!
ReplyDeleteYour first 150 words are really descriptive! I'd read more.
Good luck!
35 words is SO HARD. Take your whole book and explain it in 35 words :) haha
DeleteI've heard both testimonies when it comes to having a rhetorical question in your pitch, but the vast majority of feedback I've seen was that it was a no-no.
ReplyDeleteYour very first sentence packs a punch, though. Wow. That's tough to do. Great job!
Yeah, and what's even more of a no-no is that I know it's a no-no. :) Haha. I tried rewording it to get the same thing across and still be under 35 words for the pitch...but I CAN'T GET IT TO WORK! haha.
DeleteGlad the first sentence is good though :)
I'd like to know what happens after "literally." I bet it's good. : )
ReplyDeleteHaha. Oh, you bet it's good ;)
DeleteGood Luck. I'm with Emily. I want to know what comes next...
ReplyDeleteOoo, leaving you wanting more is good. :) Thanks for stopping by!
DeleteI really liked this! You pull us right into your MC's problems and her feelings!
ReplyDeleteGreat job!
Thanks Janet!
DeleteVery poetic stuff! It reminds me of SHATTER ME, which is my favorite read of 2011!
ReplyDeleteOh my! Why thank you! I have yet to read that one but perhaps I should now... :)
DeleteGreat job, Kelley! Definitely pulled me in to her world.
DeleteNice! I so want to read more.
ReplyDeleteSo good to hear!
Deletewow. I know I'm late in commenting but I really liked this. Good luck. It deserves notice.
ReplyDeleteOh you're not late! I really appreciate you saying so! Thanks so much for stopping by!
DeleteUh, hello? Great pitch and excerpt! One of the best I have read during this contest. At first it seems innocent (maybe) with the chains (possibly a bracelet since they make a cheery sound) but then you find out she's chained up...HA! Loved it. Great job :)
ReplyDeleteHi Crystal! Thanks so much for stopping by. I'm so glad you liked it!
DeleteGreat post Kelley. Great pitch and excerpt.
ReplyDeleteMy answer to your question is I hope so.
You've been lucky 7 tagged on my blog.
Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteGreat sensory descriptions...I want to find out what happens next!
ReplyDeleteYou do a wonderful job of showing the emotion of your main character in these few words. I'm already finding myself hoping things turn around for her. . . and wishing I had more to read so I could know everything's going to be alright. :-)
ReplyDeleteOnce again, good luck!
Good luck!
ReplyDeleteTina (#194)