So, if no ones told you that you are the most wonderful person lately, I'm telling you now. I am completely overwhelmed and 100% appreciative of all the feedback I got for my query. Seriously guys. *brushes a tear away*To show you all that I took in everyone's opinions, below is the second draft. It includes the stakes, polishes up a few things and hopefully addresses the feeling some people got that it was for a Middle Grade audience.
As always, opinions are MORE than welcome.
The Cricket Project
Sixteen year old Lyra Altair, a genius by every measure, finds herself thoroughly perplexed for the first time she can remember. Stars don’t fall out of the sky and they most certainly don’t just disappear. But Spica, of the constellation Virgo, is gone.
Lyra approaches her father, the lead astronomer of SEAD: Space Exploration and Discovery. But her questions go unanswered and that is unacceptable. She follows her father to work and uncovers America ’s greatest kept secret.
SEAD has developed the StarCatcher - the ability to capture stars and use their energy to grant any wish desired. The more complicated the wish, the larger the star needed. Unless a person is within the perimeter of the SEAD building at the time of the wish, they never know their world has been altered.
AIDS ceases to exist and a war is brought to an end fairly for both sides. But when a terrorist group attacks the world’s largest hotels, the United States ’ government has no patience left. They’re going to force the countries which house terrorists to become US territories so the terrorists can be found and the planet will be one step closer to world peace.
The government insists everyone will benefit, but Lyra doesn’t feel comfortable having countries lose their sovereignty via a wish upon a star. She tries talking to her dad, but he pushes it off as the government’s problem, his interests are purely in science. So Lyra turns to the electronic genius of her best friend, Darren, putting both his freedom as well as her own on the line.
Their only hope is to reveal The Cricket Project and let the world decide what wishes are worth the price of a star.
Wow, I want to read this fascinating book. Kids can easily make decisions when adults are somewhat reluctant. Suspense and tension.
ReplyDeleteFor SEAD, I would probably spell it out first and then put SEAD in parentheses for the first time used.
Peaches, you're so right. I've been questioning whether to write it out and then spell it for awhile. I agree with you. I'll change it :)
DeleteOkay, I like this a lot! I felt more captured by the beginning this time. :D
ReplyDeleteI would question this line though, if I may: They’re going to force the countries which house terrorists to become US territories so the terrorists can be found and the planet will be one step closer to world peace.
I had to read that a few times before it sank into my brain. It might be a tad too wordy. On the other hand, it's been a long day and I might just be suffering from a severe case of dumbness lol!
Either way, I think this is a genius idea, and I can't wait to read it!
Kyra, you're not too tired. I agree with you as well. I think its because terrorists and territories look SO MUCH A LIKE. Haha. But I'll change it around a bit. Maybe break it into two sentences. Hopefully that will help.
DeleteFor what my untested opinion is worth...I love this. Something struck me odd about the "...fairly for both sides" wording, but those opening paragraphs caught my attention and sparked my curiosity. Nicely done!
ReplyDeleteHi Jeff!
DeleteYou know, I didn't have that part in there the first time. Then I added it and I'm not sure why. :) haha. But I think you're right. It doesn't even really need to be there.
Great job Kelley! Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteThanks Elizabeth!
DeleteWow, Kelley, it seems a great story!
ReplyDeleteThanks Juliana!
DeletePhew! What an epic tale! I'm stoked for you, Kells. I think you're going to rock it! :D
ReplyDeleteI hope so! :)
DeleteSounds great! I think it'll be a breath of fresh air to the YA market. Something different and original. :)
ReplyDeleteOoo, that would be awesome! Breath of fresh air :)
DeleteThis is such a unique premise for a novel. Wonderful!
ReplyDeleteI know you probably don't want to hear this, but this query is probably too long. If you can condense it into two paragraphs, that would be easier on the agents' eyes. They read so many that they might skip this one due to sheer length.
Ah! I know! It's long. :( I had a much shorter version, but the stakes weren't in it, so it fell flat. I'm trying to make it shorter again...
DeleteI agree with Kyra and Jeff, drop the "..fairly for both sides" (although that would be a miracle!), and I'd look over the terrorist countries into territories. I think you can clean that sentence up. Maybe "SAED decides to have the United States annex terrorist sympathetic nations." Give it a go.
ReplyDeleteThis is fantastically better. Good job.
Yup, I agree Rena! I have to change up the terrorist part.
DeleteTHANK YOU for all your help!
Oh my gosh, I just typed a giant comment and lost it! Boo, I hope this still makes sense and is somewhat helpful.
ReplyDelete- I would delete "she can remember" after the first time, since it's implied.
- I agree with Peaches, I would spell out SEAD the first time.
- I agree with Kyra, "They’re going to force the countries which house terrorists to become US territories so the terrorists can be found and the planet will be one step closer to world peace." I think you're right, it's using the word territory/terrorists so much in one sentence. I would suggest splitting them up, such as, "They're going to wish countries that harbor terrorists into U.S. territories. The terrorists will be found, prosecuted, and the planet will be one step closer to world peace." (Something like that.)
- Instead of the "government insists," perhaps say, "The head of Homeland Security," or whoever. Put a face on Lyra's antagonist, instead of just "the government."
- I would maybe use a stronger phrase than "doesn't feel comfortable" if Lyra is about to face off against the U.S. government. If she has serious moral objections to their plan and the destruction of the star, maybe say it more forcefully. (Especially since you've already established that no one outside SEAD will ever know the world changed -- so does a Pakistani really care that he/she has lost sovereignty if, as far as he/she is concerned, they never had it to begin with and Pakistan has always been a U.S. territory? That's a weird tree falling in the woods problem you've created :))
- Last comment (and this one is pretty nitpicky, so feel free to ignore): The last line is very cool, but it makes me confused about what Lyra's primary motivation is. Is she morally opposed to the destruction of the star? Is she morally opposed to taking sovereignty away from other nations? Is it both?
Anyway, it's a very cool idea and I'd love to read it someday :)
Oh Ru :( I'm hate when blogger does that!
DeleteI agree, I agree, I agree :) haha. The idea of putting a face to 'the government' is brilliant. I will change that right now.
And yes, the 'weird tree falling in the woods' is EXACTLY what I'm going for. So glad that comes through.
It is actually both, for the last line. Good you picked up on that as well.
Thanks SO MUCH!
Best of luck with your query.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sheena-kay!
DeleteI have no new comments to add because everyone already addressed the parts I was confused about or didn't think flowed well. Great job kiddo with making this shine. And NOW I really, really hope you hurry with your edits. ;)
ReplyDeleteHaha. I will try my best! :)
DeleteIt's getting better all the time. It sounds more like a YA now.
ReplyDeleteAh! Yay! So glad it sound YA :)
DeleteYou're making headway, Kelley! That means querying time is right around the corner. Eek! You go girl.
ReplyDeleteYeah, oh boy. Eek is right!
DeleteLots of improvement Kelley! Loving it. I like the other comments. The line "that is unacceptable," isn't my fave. I don't know why, just sounds forced. The story is so intriguing though. It's got all sorts of smart stuff going on!
ReplyDeleteHmmm...I can see where you're coming from with that line. But its just SO Lyra. Haha ;) Trying to add that voice in there.
DeleteI'll keep working it. Thanks babe!
Such a great story, and sorry I didn't give any feedback last time. I have more time today, so here are my thoughts:
ReplyDeleteFANTASTIC STORY IDEA!!! I love it! I do think your query can be compacted, though. Five paragraphs is a little long, there's a lot of extra you could cut out. I'd cut about asking her dad questions and just go straight to the part about following him. I'd also get right to how she's bamboozled that a star has gone missing from the sky and get right to the StarCatcher--THAT is your hook! That's where you first grabbed me. Bring that up right away! Skip the stuff and just have your opening line be something like:
Sixteen year old Lyra is a genius by every measure, but she doesn't have to be one to know stars don't just disappear from the sky. But when Spica, the constellation of Virgo, is gone, Lyra follows her father to work and discovers the StarCatcher, a device that can steal stars and transfer them to into wishes. BOOM, that is such an awesome hook for a story--a star that can be turned into wishes? AWESOME, give me one!
Of course it doesn't have to be that generic, but I'm just saying you can cut a lot of the extra stuff and get us right into the good nitty gritty of the story, and I think it will be more impactful! :) I'm also wondering if you need all the info about SEAD at this point too--just a thought to make it really tight and compact.
You could also cut the sentence, "Unless a person is within the perimeter of SEAD etc." That's all stuff that can probably wait for your story. You just want to tell enough to pique interest, and the whole star-to-wishes thing will definitely do that! (Have I mentioned how super cool that is?) The rest of it worked pretty well for me. I'd just stick to the main conflict and cut out any backstory that isn't absolutely essential at this point in time, you know? Hope this helps!! :D Hurry and get it out there, I want to read it!!!
I like Cortney's idea for the first paragraph. I'd definitely do that. A lot of good comments today too.
DeleteOoo, good idea Courtney and Suzi! (And thanks Suzi for such a thorough critique via email ;)). I'll try to take out as much back story as I can. Its tricky to get her voice in here, without clouding up the query...
DeleteI already sent you an email with all my thoughts but I forgot to tell you that I love this premise. I LOVE the twist of wishing on a star. So COOL! Love it and Love you :)
ReplyDeleteYes! Thank you SO much for your help dear!
DeleteAnd I'm so glad you love it :) (And me ;))
This sounds like a really neat story! And I thought your query is very well written. The only critique I have is that queries shouldn't go over 2-3 paragraphs (for the book description) or over 250 words. Otherwise, I love it.
ReplyDeleteYou're so right T. Drecker. I'm trying to chop, chop, chop. I'm at 259 now, which is pretty close :)
DeleteGreat job! I really love the premise of this
ReplyDeleteThank you Sarah!
DeleteAwww. I love you too. This is looking great, Kelley. A lot of good suggestions in the comments too. Way to go.
ReplyDelete*blushes*
DeleteYes, so many great suggestions. I'm seriously blown away by all the support.
Sounds very well developed now. I like the last part of the last line - would look great on the front of a book, I think!
ReplyDeleteAh! Yes it would, wouldn't it!?!
DeleteGosh, that would be wonderful...
At the end, as always, I can only say that I think you're doing a great job getting it closer to a finished product. You're right, everyone has such great feedback!
ReplyDeleteAwww, thanks Lara! :)
DeleteI'm afraid I don't have a lot of time for tons of feedback, but I will say that it does sound very interesting!!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for stopping by! :)
DeleteYou have me hooked. If it's a query letter, it seems long. I read SEAD ok as you have it. I'm thinking in Lyra's world is common like NASA. Of course, I'm not sure if what's the standard for this in a query. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteWow! I liked the first one but this one is even better! Way to go.
ReplyDelete~Sarah F.
www.inklinedwriters.blogspot.com
You are so creative and talented Kelley. The Cricket Project sounds very intriguing, love the title too! I loved your pitch. The only part I paused on was exactly was Kyra Lennon said.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck!
As I said before, I love this premise. I also agree that this is a bit long. It was starting to read like a synopsis rather than a query. You've already received a lot of good suggestions. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteGreat changes Kelly and I think you're getting there! My only suggestion is to shorten this up more still. I honestly feel that a short, catchy query is a lot better than one where you spell out much of the plot. Make sure you're being a minimalist so it does not read like a synopsis and I think you'll have yourself a winner!
ReplyDeleteI like it! Looks like the edits I would make have been said already. Just a little clean up, making a couple of your sentences lest wordy, and it'll be good to go!
ReplyDeleteI love the changes you made! It sounds like such a great book!
ReplyDeleteI worry that the query is a tad long, though. Maybe just tighten up a bit?
My changes are NOT perfect, but I cut it down to 206 words. I think you could trim a little more, but I haven't read your story so I'm not sure what is essential to the plot:
ReplyDeleteSixteen-year-old Lyra Altair, a genius by every measure, finds herself thoroughly perplexed for the first time. Stars don’t fall out of the sky and they most certainly don’t just disappear. But Spica, of the constellation Virgo, is gone.
Lyra approaches her father, the lead astronomer of Space Exploration and Discovery. But her questions go unanswered and that is unacceptable. She follows her father to work and uncovers the StarCatcher - a powerful technology that harvests the power of a star to grant any wish desired.
AIDS ceases to exist and warring nations come to a short-lived peace. But
when a terrorist group begins to attack high-profile targets, the United States’ government has no patience left. With StarCatcher as a weapon, the US can force terrorist nations to its will.
Lyra doesn’t feel comfortable having countries lose their sovereignty via a wish upon a star. She tries talking to her dad, but he pushes it off as the government’s problem. So Lyra turns to the electronic genius of her best friend, Darren, putting both his freedom as well as her own on the line.
Their only hope is to reveal The Cricket Project and let the world decide what wishes are worth the price of a star.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteI like ^ Becky's approach and would add one line to describe what genre it is, how many words in the ms and indicate it is finished.
(THE CRICKET PROJECT is a completed 77,000-word SciFi novel.)
GOOD LUCK and long live Mickey Mouse :)
I still want to buy it. When's it out? Adults with a sense of adventure and intrigue would be fascinated by this too.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you're aware of this, but Cricket is a sport played in the UK and other nations and was also referred to by Douglas Adams in Mostly Harmless as a weapon of sorts. You may find yourself being honoured by HHGTTG fans such as myself.
Errr, actually it was Life, The Universe and Everything not Mostly Harmless.
ReplyDeleteWell, it makes me want to read it, so thats a good query letter to me. Although I have no real experience writing queries so dont trust me.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Peggy.
ReplyDeleteCut more.
The premise rocks, but I don't think you need quite so much info...
I might try to tweak in a moment...
I just love this premise!
ReplyDeleteWhat a truly unique idea! Good luck. I look forward to hearing more!
ReplyDelete